Allow Extra Time at the Airport When Traveling This Holiday Season

Thanks to changes in the "security" screening process in U.S. airports, you will want to allow plenty of extra time when traveling this holiday season. As a passenger, you now have a choice when passing through a security checkpoint: 1) You may walk through the full-body image scanner, or 2) you may submit to a pat-down.

If you opt for the latter, be aware that this is not a back-of-the-hand frisking and a quick wave of a metal-detecting wand. The new procedure is so invasive that the TSA agents conducting these intimate groping sessions will be required to buy each passenger dinner first. Pad your travel schedule accordingly.

Of course, you could always choose option one and have naked pictures of yourself taken and stored in a federal database so they can be ogled later by tax-subsidized perverts. It's entirely up to you.

I really long for the days when traveling to Grandma's meant a pleasant sleigh ride over the river and through the woods. I don't know about you, but my idea of holiday cheer doesn't involve sexual harassment.