January: The Iowa Caucuses are upon us. People are excited about the upcoming primary elections, and school teachers struggle to get kids to learn where Iowa is on the map -- especially kids in Iowa. Well, come on, give them a break. It's a state that only gets mentioned every four years.
February: After struggling through a difficult season, the New England Patriots surprise everyone by winning the Super Bowl. "We're all shocked," quarterback Tom Brady says in a post-game interview. "With the record we had going into this game, we just didn't think it was possible. But we're living proof that miracles can happen."
March: Speaking of sports, "March Madness" is officially added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders as a legitimate illness. Sorry, wives, but the only cure is to just let your husbands get it out of their systems. Oh, yeah, and a couple chili dogs and a plate of nachos won't hurt, either. And could you bring me another beer from the fridge when you come back? Thanks, dear. You're the best!
April: It's tax time, and people send in their hard-earned money to Uncle Sam. Ironically, Ron Paul, who is campaigning on slashing spending, cutting taxes, and eliminating the IRS, raises more money in 24 hours than the government did all last year.
May: ABC announces its fall prime-time lineup. Among the shows making their debut later this year is Don't Tase Me, Bro!, a sitcom starring YouTube sensation Andrew Meyer.
June: True love triumphs! Britney Spears and Kevin Federline get back together. (Sorry, girls, he's off the market.) Naturally, their children are taken immediately and placed in foster care for their own protection.
July: At 232 years of age, America is only 232 years removed from the vision of freedom the Founding Fathers had for this country. That's cause for celebration, so tonight let's party like it's 1776!
August: Having invested millions of man-hours and billions of dollars in preparation for the festivities, China is finally ready, and athletes from around the world converge on Beijing for the 2008 Summer Olympics. "Uh, wait a minute," says one communist official. "Did you say Summer Olympics?!"
September: The 2008 Republican National Convention nominates Ron Paul as the GOP presidential candidate for the upcoming election. Frustrated, pro-establishment commentators Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity decide to endorse Barack Obama.
October: It's Halloween, and Al Gore would like to help parents combat global warming with a few inconvenient tips. He suggests fashioning your child's costume from recyclable material. For example, aluminum cans duct-taped all over a kid makes for a great robot. And teach them to say "Trick or organic treats that were produced locally and don't exploit Third World workers" when they ring the neighbor's doorbell. Let's all do our part to keep that carbon footprint to a size two or three, OK?
November: Election Day arrives. Ron Paul defeats Barack Obama in a landslide to become the 44th president-elect of these United States. Jim Robinson, founder of the neoconservative forum FreeRepublic.com, praises the result and posts the following message: "This is indeed a bright day for freedom-lovers everywhere. We FReepers stood behind Ron Paul all along, and it's great to see that all our hard work has finally paid off. By the way, anyone questioning me on this will be banned from ever posting here again."
December: Hey, Ron Paul won the election. I got what I wanted for Christmas. Here's to the holiday season and hope for the New Year. Cheers!
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