What Kind of Pie Are You?

I was the same kind of coffee as Lee. Surprise.

The same site also had this one that just has to be included in this blog for its sheer eponymousness. (Spell-check says that's not a word, but I'm stubbornly going with it anyway!)
My personal result was surprisingly complementary:

You Are Mud Pie

You're the perfect combo of flavor and depth Those who like you give into their impulses

What Kind of Pie Are You?

Coffee and pie! Mmmmmmmm!

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

Here's what I found out already knew about myself...

You are a Black Coffee

At your best, you are: low maintenance, friendly, and adaptable At your worst, you are: cheap and angsty You drink coffee when: you can get your hands on it Your caffeine addiction level: high

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

So, keep the coffee coming and I'll always be at my best!

It's 10:30 am--Do You Know Who Took Your Child to Work Today?

It started out as Take Your Daughter to Work Day. Then, when people realized that little boys should also see firsthand how oppressed Mommy was in a male-dominated workplace, and how she struggled desperately to break through the proverbial glass ceiling, we started calling it Take Your Child to Work Day. But that, of course, conjured up horrifying images of balanced, two-parent families that the Enlightened Ones who started this ritual in the first place were trying to erase from the social consciousness.

Now, we simply call it Take a Child to Work Day. I guess when you're main concern is to mold and shape the younger generation into cogs for the corporate machine so that you can live off their tax dollars when you're sipping dinner through a straw, any child will do. The important thing is that they learn their place early on in life.

Breaking News

This is one of the things I love about modern TV news: the capacity to report it before you know anything about it!


Breaking News: Something Happening In Haiti

And then you can follow it up with hours of airtime, speculating with panels of experts about what the news might be! Just remember, you saw it first here on Lemon Harangue Pie!

Save the Environment--Get Rid of Celebrities

Celebrities preach to us constantly about the dangers of global warming, the destruction of the rain forests, the depletion of the ozone layer, the extinction of cute and cuddly animals (not the ugly ones, of course), the waste of natural resources, and on and on and on and on and on. But their feeble attempts at being socially conscious only betray their utter hypocrisy. These pampered, high-maintenance celebrity saviors are the most wasteful people on the planet.

For a tiny example of what I'm talking about, just take a look at some of the formal backstage demands Sheryl Crow makes when she performs. Her food and beverage requirements could feed a nation of starving people for at least a month. This is the same woman who thinks we can all help save the environment by limiting ourselves to only one square of toilet paper per sitting. (Note to self: don't shake hands with Sheryl Crow.) She also thinks we could make a difference by doing away with paper napkins in favor of the "dining sleeve" she designed. What genius!

I don't know what it is about this celebrity mindset, but I think it borders on being mentally ill. It exhibits itself in strange behavior like musicians spending millions of dollars on a benefit concert to help the world's poor, knowing full well that it would be much more cost-effective to take that relief directly to the ones who need it.

Another symptom is in the form of idiotic statements like the one Leonardo DiCaprio made at this year's Academy Awards: "For the first time in the history of the Oscars, this show has officially gone green." Huh? You mean, they were using energy-saving fluorescent bulbs in those spotlights? Were all the bathrooms supplied with either cloth towels or blow dryers to conserve paper? None of the catering or construction crews used diesel-guzzling trucks in preparation for the event, and each limousine was replaced with a Toyota Prius? And none of the celebrities arrived in Hollywood via a private jet?

Please. If we were really serious about saving the planet, we would ban celebrities.

Kids, Say "Yes" to Drugs

From Reuters:

Anti-reflux drugs safe for long-term use in kids

Long-term use of proton pump inhibitors (PPIs)--drugs such as Prilosec (omeprazole) and Prevacid (lansoprazole) that are used to stop stomach acid from "refluxing" into the esophagus--appears to be safe and effective in children, according to a report in The Journal of Pediatrics.

"PPIs are drugs that have revolutionized the practice of pediatric gastroenterology, and they have a wide margin of safety," study co-author Dr. Eric Hassall from BC Children's Hospital/University of British Columbia, Vancouver, told Reuters Health. "However, long-term use needs to be justified by an established diagnosis, and repeated attempts at withdrawal."

Hassall and associates characterized 166 pediatric patients with reflux disease who received PPIs at their institution for up to 11 years.

"Gee, doctor, I don't understand. Jimmy always seems to get terrible heartburn after he eats a Big Mac, fries, a shake, and two apple pies. It also seems to happen when he eats a tub of ice cream, a box of Twinkies, or a bag of bite-sized Three Musketeers. We want so badly for him to have a normal childhood like every other 100-pound five-year-old, but we just don't know what to do. Are there any drugs that would alleviate the symptoms so that it feels like we're addressing the problem without actually having to make any real lifestyle changes?"

"Why, certainly! Here. Give him one of these little pills just before he eats a bunch of crap and he should be just fine."

Acid reflux drugs for kids? What's next? Chewable Flintstones Viagra? This has to be the biggest scam since attention deficit disorder.

Oh, yes. I went there!

Why I Don't Do Meetings

I don't do meetings because this is about all I ever get out of them:

There's No Such Thing As a Helpless Baby Squirrel

This morning's edition of the Star-Tribune had some tips on handling (or, rather, not handling) baby vermin you might find on your property:

You're doing some early spring raking in the yard when you come upon a tiny rabbit no bigger than the palm of your hand, very still and seemingly all alone.

While you might be tempted to find a box and make a new home for your furry friend, local experts say that when dealing with abandoned or injured back-yard wildlife, it is important to proceed with caution.

"Most of the time when you see a solitary baby animal like a rabbit, it's really not orphaned at all," said Philip Jenni, executive director for the Wildlife Rehabilitation Center of Minnesota in Roseville. "The mother is usually nearby. Parent animals will stay away from a nest just to keep predators from approaching." ...

... Little two-legged back yard explorers should also be cautioned against picking up baby birds, bunnies or squirrels. "This time of the year is a good opportunity for parents to teach their children to have a healthy respect for wild animals," Jenni said. "It's great for kids to explore, but when they come upon a baby animal, it's really best for them and for the animal if they leave it alone."

I got to thinking: what would I do if I ran across a nest of baby demon squirrels? Well, let's just say that even though our home is right next to the Wildlife Rehabilitation Center, I don't think I would be paying them a visit - if you catch my drift.



Squirrel Threat Level Update: Reduced to Elevated, but please continue to exercise caution.

Men Soon to Be Obsolete

Ever get the feeling that some people just don't want you around?:

The Prospect of All-Female Conception

Women might soon be able to produce sperm in a development that could allow lesbian couples to have their own biological daughters, according to a pioneering study published today.

Scientists are seeking ethical permission to produce synthetic sperm cells from a woman's bone marrow tissue after showing that it possible to produce rudimentary sperm cells from male bone-marrow tissue.

The researchers said they had already produced early sperm cells from bone-marrow tissue taken from men. They believe the findings show that it may be possible to restore fertility to men who cannot naturally produce their own sperm.

But the results also raise the prospect of being able to take bone-marrow tissue from women and coaxing the stem cells within the female tissue to develop into sperm cells, said Professor Karim Nayernia of the University of Newcastle upon Tyne.

Creating sperm from women would mean they would only be able to produce daughters because the Y chromosome of male sperm would still be needed to produce sons. The latest research brings the prospect of female-only conception a step closer.

"Theoretically is it possible," Professor Nayernia said. "The problem is whether the sperm cells are functional or not. I don't think there is an ethical barrier, so long as it's safe. We are in the process of applying for ethical approval. We are preparing now to apply to use the existing bone marrow stem cell bank here in Newcastle. We need permission from the patient who supplied the bone marrow, the ethics committee and the hospital itself."

(Full article...)

Congratulations, Valerie Solanas. Your legacy lives on.

Global Cooling Now a Threat Due to Too Much Conservation

Lemon Harangue News

ST. PAUL, Minn. - For many regions across the country, this is the coldest, snowiest April in over a century. The calendar says that spring has sprung, but freezing Midwesterners beg to differ.

"Our outdoor Easter egg hunt had to be canceled," said Edith Johnson, director of children's activities at the Winona Public Library. "It's just heart-breaking to see 30 frozen little kids wandering around the yard looking for eggs that are buried under eight inches of snow. Sure, I like the snow and cold as much as the next Minnesotan, but enough already!"

Randy Miller, a postal carrier in Duluth, agrees. "I can't believe I'm still walking my route in my long underwear in April. Usually, by this time, I'm in darks socks and shorts. What happened to global warming?"

That's what others are beginning to wonder.

The plight of freezing, snowbound Americans hasn't escaped the notice of environmental activists in the nation's capital. Al Gore was quick to express his sympathies. "I know this weather has been hard on people," he said in a press conference Wednesday. "But how do you think I feel? We've already had three global warming conferences snowed out--and that's money out of my pocket."

What caused this sudden climate shift? The former vice president thinks he may have had something to do with it, citing record sales of hybrid cars and energy-saving light bulbs as contributing factors to the cooler temperatures. "I'm surprised that people took my movie, An Inconvenient Truth, so seriously," he said. "I'm not used to being taken seriously. And while I'm impressed by people's willingness to make sacrifices to fight global warming, my concern now is that there is too much conservation going on."

Gore seemed to backtrack from previous remarks he had made. "Global warming was certainly a grave threat, but I'm afraid now that we may be over-compensating. Yes, I did say that 'this planet has a fever.' But we don't want it to die of hypothermia, either."

Purgatorio Withdrawal? Try Thinking Inside the Box

All five semi-regular readers of Lemon Harangue Pie are familiar with Marc Heinrich's site Purgatorio, which treated us to "a panoply of evangelical eccentricities, un-orthodox oddities & christian cultural curiosities." As you know, Marc went on hiatus back in January, leaving a satirical void that desperately needed to be filled.

Well, thanks to the brilliant mind of Tom Slawson, we now have the Tominthebox News Network. It's been up and running for over three months, so here are a few of the stories you might have missed:

• Churches to Begin Offering Low-Carb Communion Options
  With the recent growth in popularity of diets such as the Atkins and Southbeach, churches across denominational lines are searching for new ways to get congregation members to once again take communion. ...
  
  
• Phelps Runs Out of People to Anathematize
  Known for his aggressive, provocative and often controversial style of "preaching," the Rev. Fred Phelps, pastor of Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, has found his "ministry" faced with a new problem. ...
  
  
• Fundamentalists Hope New "ePhod" Will Be a Hit
  In an effort to keep fundamentalist KJV-only teens from coveting, Pensacola Christian College announced that it will soon release its first ever electronic item called the ePhod. ...
  
  
• Net Finney Guards Families Against the Harmful Effects of Calvinism
  It is a situation that is becoming all too common. An unsuspecting individual begins to innocently search the internet for information on a particular subject and suddenly finds his or herself faced with the perils of Reformed theology. ...
  
  
• Church Goes "Glam Rock" to Attract "Old Rockers"
  ... And finally, when it seems that the building momentum can go no further in runs Pastor David Remington, face painted, hair-waving. He falls to his knees sliding to the center of the stage and air-guitars to an improvised solo by the church's praise band guitarist. ...
  
  
• NASB Onlyism Gaining New Momentum
  "You just can't be any more NASB than we are," said pastor Doug Holstein of Clearwater Baptist Church in Tacoma, Washington. "We believe that the New American Standard Bible is the absolute perfect and preserved Bible. There's no need to go back to the Greek and Hebrew to understand some kind of 'deeper meaning' of the text. It's all right there in English, in the New American Standard." ...
  
  
• Bob Jones University Starts "ThySpace" for Students
  Life at Bob Jones University can seem "strict" to some. Girls are restricted from wearing pants on certain parts of the campus. All dates must be chaperoned by one of the college staff, and under no circumstances are couples allowed to touch. Violations of these rules are strictly enforced, and those who accumulate enough demerits during a school year face expulsion. But recently rules regarding internet access on campus have been reevaluated. ...

Slawson also brought us Superbox I, the all-star showdown between the Alpha & Omega Ministries Calvinists and the Berean Call Arminians. If you missed it, you can download it here: 1st half, 2nd half.

Be sure to check out Tominthebox News Network. You won't be disappointed!

Heart to Hart

As you may already know, cartoonist John Hart, creator of such classics as "B.C." and "The Wizard of Id," died this past weekend at the age of 76. He died at his storyboard, doing what he loved. Here is his last cartoon:

(Sorry. It wasn't meant in bad taste.)

John Hart made us laugh over the years, but he also made us think. What's most notable about his work is that he was never shy about sharing his faith:

It wasn't unusual for his comics to generate a little controversy, and I'm sure he made some newspaper editors pretty nervous.

I recall one strip that ran around Good Friday a few years ago that showed one of the characters washing clothes in a river. She noticed a stream of red in the water, and when the garment she was washing was lifted out, it had been bleached white. She looked upriver and saw that the red stream was coming from a cross.

Perhaps the most controversial was one published on Easter Sunday back in 2001:

It drew protests from Jewish groups and led several newspapers to drop the strip. (Hart wrote a full explanation of this particular cartoon. You can read it here.)

Because of Hart's reputation, people started looking for controversial messages, whether they were intentional or not:

When this cartoon was printed, many people thought it was more than just simple outhouse humor. They were sure Hart was making a statement about Islam. He denied it and expressed his surprise that anyone would reach such a conclusion.

But I think that was part of Hart's appeal. His cartoons weren't always the same. Because he touched on everything from the silly to the satirical to the sacred, you never knew what he would write next. He was one of a kind.

Rest in peace, Johnny. We'll miss you.

You Can't Take It with You

So, you might as well sell it online:

Woman puts most all her belongings in eBay sale

ST. PAUL, Minnesota (AP) -- Lisa Perry wants a fresh start. So she's decided to sell nearly all of her belongings in one massive auction on eBay.

Perry, 45, said the top bidder in the auction, ending Thursday, will get more than 300 items--including snowshoes, a futon, a bed, a Village People album, seashells and more.

Perry is keeping just a few things: her dog, her cat, photo albums and some clothing.

"This might be mid-life, but it's not a crisis. It's mid-life excitement," she said. "I don't need it all. I don't use it all. I just have it all. Actually, it has me."

Among the items listed:

• Mid-century modern Diamond Chairs designed by Harry Bertoia for Knoll in 1952
  
• Atlantic bed, wood Mission-Style, Queen-size, with head and foot and side rails
  
• Humidifier (small, about 4 years old)
  
• Lots of 33 and 78 records plus 8 track tapes
  
• Capresso coffee grinder and coffee maker
  
• Milk crate full of seashells from the east coast
  
• 10 coffee mugs from around the world
  
• Many, many more things including boxes I don't even know the inventory of!

She notes that the "auction does not include live animals, such as my pets, me, my degrees, any credit card or other personal information about me or others."

Check out the eBay listing here. There are only three days left, so hurry!

If Al Gore had an e-mail signature

Just to annoy Lee, I thought I'd post this nice little tree-hugging signature I found attached to one of my e-mails today!


:)

Say Wha??

Ok, I know I am not as young as I used to be, but this? I don't know how it came to be that I, at age 36, received my AARP card this week!? I thought that was a 50+ thing! First arthritis, now this...

Depressed Web Server

This web server in the Netherlands makes me suspect that Marvin the Robot has found himself another dull job. I'm sort of partial to the older of the two versions of Marvin pictured below. But, for either, I guess it's all downhill after the glamour of film/television stardom!

Remembering Calvert

Calvert DeForest (a.k.a. Larry "Bud" Melman)
July 23, 1921 – March 19, 2007

Food for Thought: Mix 'n' Match

Why do burgers and milkshakes go so well together, but buffalo wings and omelets don't?

Just wondering...

No Daylight Saving Savings

Making Daylight Saving Time last even longer was supposed to save us big bucks in energy costs. Well, guess what?:

Early U.S. Daylight Savings a bust in power savings

NEW YORK (Reuters) - The early onset of Daylight Savings Time in the United States this year may have been for naught.

The move to turn the clocks forward by an hour on March 11 rather than the usual early April date was mandated by the U.S. government as an energy-saving effort.

But other than forcing millions of drowsy American workers and school children into the dark, wintry weather three weeks early, the move appears to have had little impact on power usage. ...

Can't we just end this madness once and for all? Quit messing with my sleep patterns!