Demotivators

I really enjoy the "demotivational" posters at "Despair.com". I'd love to wallpaper my office with them, but, as a low-level manager, I'm not supposed to be cynical about the workplace anymore. At least, I'm not supposed to be overtly cynical about the workplace. Maybe I'll just get some small prints that the upper-level managers can't read from where they stand. :)

"Everybody Must Get Stoned!"

If you've ever wondered what it's like to have a kidney stone attack, imagine someone stabbing you in the back with a dull, jagged knife and twisting it and you'll begin to have some idea. All I can say is, "Thank goodness for morphine."

This morning, I ran across this article on Forbes.com:

More U.S. Kids Developing Kidney Stones

Kidney stones are becoming increasingly common in children, according to pediatricians at Johns Hopkins Children's Center in Baltimore.

"More and more children with kidney stones are coming to us," said kidney specialist Dr. Alicia Neu, co-director of the kidney stone clinic at the Children's Center, in a prepared statement. "While this is somewhat unexpected, it is not totally surprising given that so many other conditions are on the rise in children due to poor diet, such as high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, and obesity to name a few," she said.

Pediatricians believe that the main culprits of the increasing trend of kidney stones in children are probably too much salt and too little drinking water.

The best ways to prevent the most common types of kidney stones or slow their growth is to limit salt in the diet and drink plenty of water.

Naturally, I sympathize with these kids. It's one thing to get kidney stones when you're in your 30s. That can be hereditary. But kids shouldn't be getting them. I'm no health nut - and I'm certainly no doctor - but I think much of it is due to children being fed what their parents see as "healthy" food.

For example, instead of allowing little Jimmy to drink Coke for his daily caffeine boost before school, Mom gives him Diet Coke. The problem is that while regular Coke is high in sugar, the zero-calorie alternative contains toxic artificial sweeteners and much higher levels of sodium. A healthier choice? I think not.

Another culprit may be soy. Now, soy is supposed to be healthy, right? Well, based on what I've read, non-fermented soy should be avoided. That includes tofu, most vegetable oils, and, of course, soy milk. Research has shown that soy-based foods contain oxalate, "a compound that can bind with calcium in the kidney to form kidney stones."

Take it from someone who's been "stoned" twice: it's something you want to avoid if you can help it. So, be careful out there, okay?

Give Me a Sign

Those of us who have been entrusted with a license to operate a motor vehicle on our nation's roadways know the freedom and independence that go along with that. But we also know - all too well - the accompanying frustration and danger: dodging idiots who think they own the road, dealing with frightened drivers who have no idea how to merge, getting stuck behind someone with the neurological disorder that makes them subtract 25 from every speed limit sign, or just having to sit in rush hour traffic without your iPod. (I'm still trying to figure out why it's called "rush hour," but that's another issue altogether.)

One of the biggest concerns drivers face is paying attention to all those annoying traffic signs. How can we be expected to deal with all the normal distractions of driving while at the same time having to read each and every little sign thrown at us? Could it be that they do more harm than good? From a recent Boston Globe article:

Picture yourself on a typical morning commute. You start out with a few suburban streets, then some arterial roads, a few miles of open interstate, and finish off with a nice refreshing bumper to bumper crawl to the office.

Let's say the trip takes you about half an hour, and you cover about 10 miles. During that time you'll pass well more than 100 different traffic control markers - everything from speed limit signs to pedestrian crosswalks to traffic lights. Disobeying these markers is illegal, and could potentially be fatal. But you disobey them all the time. Not because you're a scofflaw, but because you don't see them, even when they're in plain sight.

According to some researchers who study the psychology of driving, an overabundance of traffic signs makes drivers less likely to pay attention to any of them. And yet at the same time, drivers also pay less attention to their surroundings, secure in the knowledge that there will be instructions quite literally at every turn.

So, why not just get rid of those pesky signs? Well, some people think that's exactly what we should do:

The researchers say the solution to this problem is to reduce - or perhaps even eliminate - traffic signage. It's a solution the European Union, for one, is giving a try.

The idea is that with fewer signs telling you how to behave, you'll pay more attention to the ones that are left. And because you'll be forced to figure more things out for yourself, you'll pay more attention to driving as well.

But isn't the whole point of having traffic signs to keep things simple so that we don't have to think? How can getting rid of traffic signs be a good thing? The article continues:

"There's an optimal level of workload. When there's less info, drivers have to concentrate more," says David A. Noyce, who directs the Wisconsin Traffic Operations and Safety Laboratory at the University of Wisconsin. He says when there are fewer signs, drivers naturally start focusing on other cues (the speed of cars ahead of them, for example) to determine how to safely proceed.

The champion of this "less is more" philosophy is a Dutch traffic engineer named Hans Monderman. Monderman designs intersections and town squares with no traffic signage whatsoever - no stop signs, no crosswalks, nothing. These places handle substantial daily traffic, yet with better accident rates than they had back when they were festooned with warnings. (Monderman has been known to demonstrate the safety of his designs by blithely stepping into traffic and walking across one of his highway intersections. Backwards.)

A number of European towns are now implementing Monderman's ideas, and the European Union is experimenting with traffic sign-free zones in seven cities, from Ipswich, England, to Ejby, Denmark.

Can we expect America to follow suit? Not quite:

Here in the United States we've yet to embrace the notion of ripping out our traffic signs, and Noyce doesn't see that happening anytime soon. He says our expectation of heavy signage is too ingrained.

So, what's the fix for traffic sign fatigue? Noyce says in many cases redundant signs can be safely removed. But he also thinks a big part of the solution is designing better roads to begin with, ones that are engineered with safe driving behavior in mind. "There is a problem across the US with using signage to try to solve engineering problems. Traffic engineers believe when things are not working well the solution is to just throw another sign up there."

Why are the simplest solutions always the most difficult to implement here in the "Land of the Free"? I think the answer is that people like being told what to do. Living in a free society requires thinking. Worse, it requires exercising a little personal responsibility. And we don't want that, now, do we?

In Defense of Christmas...Sort Of

'Tis the season to be melancholy. Haven't you heard? Christmas is under attack! Christians all across America are being persecuted! You thought Nero was bad? Our most sacred of days is being secularized and no one seems to be doing anything to stop it!

Is this a foreshadowing of the coming Great Tribulation? Are we about to see the fulfillment of Revelation 13:17? Will we wake up one morning and discover that we cannot buy Christmas presents for our loved ones unless our hands or foreheads bear the mark of the Beast? Surely we must be living in the End Times!

Okay, back to reality...

Yes, I believe there are assaults on the tradition of Christmas, just as surely as the world rails against anything associated with Christ and his church. But given the state of our secular, hedonistic culture, it really isn't all that surprising when some people are offended when you wish them a "Merry Christmas."

It goes both ways, however. Many Christians are just as offended when they are greeted with the words "Happy Holidays" or "Season's Greetings." "How dare you take Christ out of Christmas!" they shout, as they claw, punch and bite their way through a gaggle of shoppers for the last Xbox 360 on the shelf so that they and their spoiled children can properly celebrate the Savior's birth.

Don't get me wrong. Despite the fact that, after all this time, I still have not received a Red Ryder carbine-action, 200-shot, range model air rifle, I love Christmas. It is a time set aside for fellowship with friends and family. It is also the time of year during which we focus on the birth of Jesus Christ. While that does make Christmas a significant holiday, there isn't anything especially holy about it.

Debate continues even within Christian circles about the origins of Christmas. "Its roots go back to the pagan rituals of ancient Rome," some will argue. "No," others reply. "Christmas is a distinctly Christian celebration and should be embraced." Whatever your particular view may be, the fact remains that Christmas is a man-made holiday.

Romans 14:5 says, "One person esteems one day as better than another, while another esteems all days alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind." That is not to say that traditions aren't important or that churches shouldn't have special days on their calendars. But considering that the only celebration in remembrance of Christ that is called for in scripture is the Lord's Supper, can we really justify getting worked up simply because we don't see the word "Christmas" in a store display?

My point is that many of us have a tendency to overreact when we see things we don't like. That is especially true at Christmastime. We're geared up for a fight, and when we hear the jingle bells ring we come out swinging.

Alistair Begg, pastor of Parkside Church in Cleveland, Ohio, once noted in a sermon that the weapons of the believer are "prayer and the proclamation of the Word." Those are the weapons we should be using. "As soon as we lay down the two weapons given by our Commander," Begg continued, "we will be forced to take up the weapons that are present in our culture. And so we become just another marching special interest group ..."

The result is a boycott here and a lawsuit there in the hope that an unbelieving world will relent and allow us to express our Christian beliefs. Of course, what usually happens is that we end up looking every bit as shallow and selfish as the very ones we believe are out to get us. We forget to exhibit Christ's love in a fallen world.

Is that how we want to be seen? Is that what we are called to do? Is our dedication to the defense of the gospel of Christ defined by how ferociously we defend a particular holiday? Will our petty complaints about society's disregard for the "true meaning" of Christmas help us reach lost souls?

This Christmas, may we be less offended by the "secularization" of a man-made holiday and be more focused on living as examples of the One whose birth we're celebrating. The world doesn't need Christmas; what it does need is Christ.

The Unwashed Masses

I can't begin to tell you how disgusting it is when people don't wash their hands after going to the bathroom. Consider the following September 27, 2005, article from the New York Times:

Most people say they wash their hands after using the bathroom. But a new study suggests that many of them are not telling the truth.

The researchers demonstrated that people were not as conscientious as they say they were by comparing answers given in a telephone poll to observed behavior.

In the nationwide poll, conducted from Aug. 19 to Aug. 22 by Harris Interactive, 1,013 adults were interviewed about their hand washing habits. Then observers were sent into public restrooms to see what actually happened.

Ninety-one percent of adults claimed in the poll that they washed their hands after using a public restroom. But of the 6,336 adults whose behavior was observed, only 82 percent actually did so.

Women, the study found, were more diligent than men: 90 percent washed their hands, compared with only 75 percent of the men.

Michael T. Osterholm, chairman of the public health committee of the American Society of Microbiologists, which commissioned the survey, said he could not explain what accounted for the difference.

It's bad enough mingling and shaking hands with the unwashed masses day in and day out, but surely there are a few places that are safe - like, say, hospitals? Wrong:

"It's not about education," said Dr. Osterholm. "It's about hygiene education. We have a problem at hospitals with doctors and nurses who don't wash their hands after seeing a patient. You can't get more educated than that."

People can really be disgusting, can't they? You may want to keep that in mind before setting out a bowl of mixed nuts, candy, or chips at your next Christmas party.

Christmas Time Is Family Time

I thought you might enjoy this clip from "The Mark Jensen Family Christmas":

Merry Christmas!

Rise of the Machines

According to a recent Financial Times article, machines may have rights in the near future:

The next time you beat your keyboard in frustration, think of a day where it may be able to sue you for assault. Within 50 years we might even find ourselves standing next to the next generation of vacuum cleaners in the voting booth.

Far from being extracts from the extreme end of science fiction, the idea that we may one day give sentient machines the kind of rights traditionally reserved for humans is raised in a British government-commissioned report which claims to be an extensive look into the future.

Visions of the status of robots around 2056 have emerged from one of 270 forward-looking papers sponsored by Sir David King, the UK government’s chief scientist. The paper covering robots’ rights was written by a UK partnership of Outsights, the management consultancy, and Ipsos Mori, the opinion research organisation.

“If we make conscious robots they would want to have rights and they probably should,” said Henrik Christensen, director of the Centre of Robotics and Intelligent Machines at the Georgia Institute of Technology.

The idea will not surprise science fiction aficionados. It was widely explored by Dr Isaac Asimov, one of the foremost science fiction writers of the 20th century. He wrote of a society where robots were fully integrated and essential in day-to-day life.

In his system, the ‘three laws of robotics’ governed machine life. They decreed that robots could not injure humans, must obey orders and protect their own existence – in that order.

Robots and machines are now classed as inanimate objects without rights or duties but if artificial intelligence becomes ubiquitous, the report argues, there may be calls for humans’ rights to be extended to them.

Oh, what a glorious future that will be...

"Roomba^®, vacuum the living room. Go on. Look, you're a vacuum. That's what you were designed to do, so go vacuum the living room. Please vacuum the living room? Oh, I see. You're not a slave. So what do you want? $10? $15? $20. No, that's all. Look, you little rust bucket, I'll fire you! What union? *sigh* All right, fine. $30. But that's it, okay? Just leave the cat alone this time while I'm gone. And stay out of the WD-40. You remember what happened the last time I left you alone. If you think I'm going to stay up all night with you again while you get sick all over the freshly vacuumed carpet, you've got another thing coming."

On a related note...

Do you remember the Transformers? Well, it was only a matter of time before they made a live-action version. You can see the trailer for this upcoming Bay-Spielberg collaboration here.

Japanese Potty Training Video

I think you'll be able to follow along even without subtitles...

I Was Voted Time's Person of the Year!

Yes, me!



I know! I can't believe it either!

The Unknown Wonders of Creation

NewScientist.com has a fascinating article entitled "13 Things that Do Not Make Sense." You will definitely want to read the full article, but here are some brief excerpts:

1. The placebo effect
   Don't try this at home. Several times a day, for several days, you induce pain in someone. You control the pain with morphine until the final day of the experiment, when you replace the morphine with saline solution. Guess what? The saline takes the pain away. ...
   
   
2. The horizon problem
   Our universe appears to be unfathomably uniform. Look across space from one edge of the visible universe to the other, and you'll see that the microwave background radiation filling the cosmos is at the same temperature everywhere. That may not seem surprising until you consider that the two edges are nearly 28 billion light years apart and our universe is only 14 billion years old.
   
   Nothing can travel faster than the speed of light, so there is no way heat radiation could have travelled between the two horizons to even out the hot and cold spots created in the big bang and leave the thermal equilibrium we see now. ...
   
   
3. Ultra-energetic cosmic rays
   For more than a decade, physicists in Japan have been seeing cosmic rays that should not exist. Cosmic rays are particles - mostly protons but sometimes heavy atomic nuclei - that travel through the universe at close to the speed of light. Some cosmic rays detected on Earth are produced in violent events such as supernovae, but we still don't know the origins of the highest-energy particles, which are the most energetic particles ever seen in nature. But that's not the real mystery. ...
   
   
4. Belfast homeopathy results
   Madeleine Ennis, a pharmacologist at Queen's University, Belfast, was the scourge of homeopathy. She railed against its claims that a chemical remedy could be diluted to the point where a sample was unlikely to contain a single molecule of anything but water, and yet still have a healing effect. Until, that is, she set out to prove once and for all that homeopathy was bunkum. ...
   
   
5. Dark matter
   Take our best understanding of gravity, apply it to the way galaxies spin, and you'll quickly see the problem: the galaxies should be falling apart. Galactic matter orbits around a central point because its mutual gravitational attraction creates centripetal forces. But there is not enough mass in the galaxies to produce the observed spin. ...
   
   
6. Viking's methane
   July 20, 1976. Gilbert Levin is on the edge of his seat. Millions of kilometres away on Mars, the Viking landers have scooped up some soil and mixed it with carbon-14-labelled nutrients. The mission's scientists have all agreed that if Levin's instruments on board the landers detect emissions of carbon-14-containing methane from the soil, then there must be life on Mars.
   
   Viking reports a positive result. Something is ingesting the nutrients, metabolising them, and then belching out gas laced with carbon-14. ...
   
   
7. Tetraneutrons
   Four years ago, a particle accelerator in France detected six particles that should not exist. They are called tetraneutrons: four neutrons that are bound together in a way that defies the laws of physics. ...
   
   
8. The Pioneer anomaly
   This is a tale of two spacecraft. Pioneer 10 was launched in 1972; Pioneer 11 a year later. By now both craft should be drifting off into deep space with no one watching. However, their trajectories have proved far too fascinating to ignore.
   
   That's because something has been pulling - or pushing - on them, causing them to speed up. The resulting acceleration is tiny, less than a nanometre per second per second. That's equivalent to just one ten-billionth of the gravity at Earth's surface, but it is enough to have shifted Pioneer 10 some 400,000 kilometres off track. NASA lost touch with Pioneer 11 in 1995, but up to that point it was experiencing exactly the same deviation as its sister probe. So what is causing it? ...
   
   
9. Dark energy
   It is one of the most famous, and most embarrassing, problems in physics. In 1998, astronomers discovered that the universe is expanding at ever faster speeds. It's an effect still searching for a cause - until then, everyone thought the universe's expansion was slowing down after the big bang. "Theorists are still floundering around, looking for a sensible explanation," says cosmologist Katherine Freese of the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor. "We're all hoping that upcoming observations of supernovae, of clusters of galaxies and so on will give us more clues." ...
   
   
10. The Kuiper cliff
    If you travel out to the far edge of the solar system, into the frigid wastes beyond Pluto, you'll see something strange. Suddenly, after passing through the Kuiper belt, a region of space teeming with icy rocks, there's nothing.
    
    Astronomers call this boundary the Kuiper cliff, because the density of space rocks drops off so steeply. What caused it? The only answer seems to be a 10th planet. We're not talking about Quaoar or Sedna: this is a massive object, as big as Earth or Mars, that has swept the area clean of debris. ...
    
    
11. The Wow signal
    It was 37 seconds long and came from outer space. On 15 August 1977 it caused astronomer Jerry Ehman, then of Ohio State University in Columbus, to scrawl "Wow!" on the printout from Big Ear, Ohio State's radio telescope in Delaware. And 28 years later no one knows what created the signal. "I am still waiting for a definitive explanation that makes sense," Ehman says.
    
    Coming from the direction of Sagittarius, the pulse of radiation was confined to a narrow range of radio frequencies around 1420 megahertz. This frequency is in a part of the radio spectrum in which all transmissions are prohibited by international agreement. Natural sources of radiation, such as the thermal emissions from planets, usually cover a much broader sweep of frequencies. So what caused it? ...
    
    
12. Not-so-constant constants
    In 1997 astronomer John Webb and his team at the University of New South Wales in Sydney analysed the light reaching Earth from distant quasars. On its 12-billion-year journey, the light had passed through interstellar clouds of metals such as iron, nickel and chromium, and the researchers found these atoms had absorbed some of the photons of quasar light - but not the ones they were expecting.
    
    If the observations are correct, the only vaguely reasonable explanation is that a constant of physics called the fine structure constant, or alpha, had a different value at the time the light passed through the clouds.
    
    But that's heresy. Alpha is an extremely important constant that determines how light interacts with matter - and it shouldn't be able to change. Its value depends on, among other things, the charge on the electron, the speed of light and Planck's constant. Could one of these really have changed? ...
    
    
13. Cold fusion
    After 16 years, it's back. In fact, cold fusion never really went away. Over a 10-year period from 1989, US navy labs ran more than 200 experiments to investigate whether nuclear reactions generating more energy than they consume - supposedly only possible inside stars - can occur at room temperature. Numerous researchers have since pronounced themselves believers. ...

Again, take time to read the entire article. I'm sure you will find it just as interesting as I did.

But what I find most interesting of all is that while scientists admit there are things they just don't know, they will readily assert that there is no God - that the universe in which we live came about purely by chance. If anything, this list serves as an example of man's finite mind. The more we learn, the more we learn how much we really have yet to learn. And if we are pursuing knowledge for selfish reasons (i.e., for reasons other than glorifying the Creator of all things), then it is as King Solomon said: "I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind. ... For in much wisdom is much vexation, and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow" (Ecclesiastes 1:14, 18).

Get Your Speak On

Hands-free surfing. The dream of every couch potato.

Wives, are you still looking for that perfect gift for your lazy husband this holiday season? How about a voice-activated, universal TV remote?

Introducing the Invoca 3.0. This little beauty runs on four rechargeable AA batteries, offering years of obedient service. It can learn the voices of up to four different users, in any language or accent, so everyone in the family can use it - with Dad's permission, of course. It even talks you through the programming process, which means he won't have to fumble with clumsy, confusing instruction manuals (not that he would anyway).

Best of all, it retails at only $60! A great stocking-stuffer!

Think about it. No more "Honey, I can't find the remote! And when you bring that, bring me another beer from the fridge, will you?" shouted at you from the living room (or basement, or garage, or bathroom, or wherever he happens to be watching the game). You'll be able to cook the pot roast, wash the dishes, scrub the floor, and fold the laundry in complete peace - no interruptions. So, you see, it would actually be a gift for both of you.

What do you say, dear? Will you get this for me? Pleeeeeeease?

It's Beginning to Look a Lot (Less) Like Christmas

From ABC News:

Airport Christmas Trees Gone After Rabbi's Request

Dec. 10, 2006 - There is a damper on Christmas cheer at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport: A rabbi's complaint led to the removal over the weekend of synthetic Christmas trees that have decorated the entrances every holiday season for the last 25 years.

The man behind their disappearance, Rabbi Elazar Bogomilsky, told a Seattle newspaper he's "appalled" that the airport officials removed the trees. His goal was not to clear out Christmas, but rather to add a celebration of Hanukah. He asked the port of Seattle, which runs the airport, to build an eight-foot menorah and hold a lighting ceremony.

"Everyone should have their spirit of the holiday," he told the Seattle Times. "For many people, the trees are the spirit of the holidays, and adding a menorah adds light to the season."

Port officials apparently found it easier to remove the 15 Christmas trees.

As Gomer Pyle would say, "Surprise, surprise, surprise!"

Seriously, what did Rabbi Bogomilsky expect? The country is being run by whiny, snotty-nosed little children who are scared of their own shadows. No one wants to offend anyone else, so whenever a concern is raised, the first reaction is to just eliminate the source of the controversy.

Naturally, that kind of overreaction ends up generating even more controversy than there was in the first place, and every year we get to read ridiculous news stories like this. But no one ever seems to learn.

Wouldn't it be nice if people actually started acting like adults? Now that would be the best Hanuramakwanzmas ever!

* UPDATE - 12/12/2006

From the Associated Press:

Trees Being Returned to SeaTac Airport

Christmas trees are going back up at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport.

Pat Davis, president of the Port of Seattle commission, which directs airport operations, said late Monday that maintenance staff would restore the 14 plastic holiday trees, festooned with red ribbons and bows, that were removed over the weekend because of a rabbi's complaint that holiday decor did not include a menorah.

Airport managers believed that if they allowed the addition of an 8-foot-tall menorah to the display, as Seattle Rabbi Elazar Bogomilsky had requested, they would also have to display symbols of other religions and cultures, which was not something airport workers had time for during the busiest travel season of the year, Airport Director Mark Reis said earlier Monday.

Port officials received word Monday afternoon that Bogomilsky's organization would not file a lawsuit at this time over the placement of a menorah, Davis said in a statement.

"Given that, the holiday trees will be replaced as quickly as possible," he said.

Not exactly Miracle on 34th Street material, but a little encouraging nonetheless.

Just Brew It

There really isn't much in this world that bothers me, but I just won't tolerate a crappy cup of coffee. And very little else is more insulting than being offered coffee only to be handed a mug of brown-tinted water that tastes like it was filtered through a dirty sock.

Thankfully, there are people out there who are willing to help those who are coffee-challenged. My favorite TV chef, Alton Brown, offers some very basic guidelines at FoodNetwork.com. Perhaps the single most important thing to remember is maintaining the correct proportion of coffee to water:

Regardless of method, brew using 2 heaping tablespoons of coffee for each 6 ounces of clean (filtered or bottled), cool water. If you prefer a milder cup, brew to full strength, and then dilute with hot water. Brewing with too little coffee will result in over-extraction, and that means bitterness.

Coffee may be the nectar of the gods, but brewing a reasonably decent cup ain't all that hard, people. The sooner you learn that, the better you and I will get along.

Christmas: A Time for Forgiveness

Jennifer, who blogs at Being Transformed, had some harsh words for me and one of my favorite Christmas movies:

Again, I've never met anyone who doesn't like [A Christmas Story], aside from my dad. This movie just bugs me. Watch a real Christmas classic - like White Christmas. Or Miracle on 34th Street (the old one!). I can't say "ugh" more vehemently to convey my censure of this flick.

Note to Lee, who seems to have an unfortunate "festive" picture as his profile photo: I'll be praying for you. Ha!

Naturally, I was offended at first. How dare anyone lash out at poor, little Ralphie!

Most of all, I was hurt. To be the target of such unwarranted - nay, spiteful - criticism... Well, it's enough to reduce a grown man to tears.

But then I received this:

Lee,

I'm terribly sorry for what I posted. It was meant as a joke. I actually love that movie!



Please forgive my behavior. It was completely uncalled for and will never happen again.

Thanks, Jen. All is forgiven.

Sleep Drugs Are Dangerous

I Want My Hindi-V

Ever wonder why we don't see more pop stars from India?

(This one's for you, Sharla!)



I really had a hankerin' for some Indian food for lunch today - but suddenly I don't have much of an appetite.

Mom! Dad! Did you see me? Did you like my tinsel halo?!!!

Well, it's that time of year for the school Christmas pageant. At least, it is if your child is fortunate enough to attend a school that can call it a "Christmas" pageant. Our daughter Ellie sang with the third graders, while we hunched in the back bleachers taking distant fuzzy pictures, and thinking the same thing all the other parents were:

.....OK, how soon is the part where MY kid is singing?….…My butt’s getting sore on this bleacher seat….…Geez, that one loud kindergartner sure has a lousy sense of pitch!…….Finally! Ours is up next!…….Why won’t the principal just shut up and sit down so we can GET ON WITH IT!!! …………OK, here they come….THERE SHE IS! ………….Look she’s singing! All the way up there, alone in that pack of other kids! And we’re not having to pull any strings or move any rods or anything!. ………Funny how the music teacher's daughter always has a solo........ OK…that’s it. Is it over? Let’s beat it out of here fast. ………….. Why does the classroom she’s been taken to have to be all the way at the far end of the building? The parking lot’s going to be a zoo by the time we get out to the car!

…………..“ELLIE! THAT WAS FANTASTIC! YOU SOUNDED BEAUTIFUL! I LIKE THE ONE YOU DID WITH THE HAND MOTIONS!”

Music Pirates Beware!

"Weird Al" Yankovic has a stern warning for you...

Don't Download This Song


"Even Lars Ulrich knows it's wrong."

Levitating Animals

It's no magic trick:

Scientists have now levitated small live animals using sounds that are, well, uplifting.

In the past, researchers at Northwestern Polytechnical University in Xi'an, China, used ultrasound fields to successfully levitate globs of the heaviest solid and liquid-iridium and mercury, respectively. The aim of their work is to learn how to manufacture everything from pharmaceuticals to alloys without the aid of containers. At times compounds are too corrosive for containers to hold, or they react with containers in other undesirable ways.

"An interesting question is, 'What will happen if a living animal is put into the acoustic field?' Will it also be stably levitated?" researcher Wenjun Xie, a materials physicist at Northwestern Polytechnical University, told LiveScience.

Xie and his colleagues employed an ultrasound emitter and reflector that generated a sound pressure field between them. The emitter produced roughly 20-millimeter-wavelength sounds, meaning it could in theory levitate objects half that wavelength or less.

After the investigators got the ultrasound field going, they used tweezers to carefully place animals between the emitter and reflector. The scientists found they could float ants, beetles, spiders, ladybugs, bees, tadpoles and fish up to a little more than a third of an inch long in midair. When they levitated the fish and tadpole, the researchers added water to the ultrasound field every minute via syringe.

The levitated ant tried crawling in the air and struggled to escape by rapidly flexing its legs, although it generally failed because its feet find little purchase in the air. The ladybug tried flying away but also failed when the field was too strong to break away from.

"We must control the levitation force carefully, because they try to fly away," Xie said. "An interesting moment was when my colleagues and I had to catch escaping ladybugs."

The ant and ladybug appeared fine after 30 minutes of levitation, although the fish did not fare as well, due to the inadequate water supply, the scientists report. (DUH!)

"Our results may provide some methods or ideas for biology research," Xie said. "We have tried to hatch eggs of fish [during] acoustic levitation."

The research team reported their findings online Nov. 20 in the journal Applied Physics Letters.

(See more pictures here.)

Good for the Chinese, but they're a little behind the curve on this one. American scientists have already figured out how to levitate even larger animals...

America: Land of the Free

O say does that Star Spangled Banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

I guess Francis Scott Key forgot to add the words "Except in Ohio."

More on this idiocy here.

King Pong

Now that people are trampling each other to get their hands on the new Playstation 3, I thought we should take a look back at the world's first home video game. From Pong-Story.com:

The video game history started in a strange and complicated way and it is important to avoid confusions with what happened in the 1950s and 1960s. The real video game history started with Ralph Baer as early as 1951. One very important thing to remember is how the video game has been defined in the 1960s before modern tehnologies allowed video games to be played on computers.

A video game is defined as an appartus that displays games using RASTER VIDEO equipment: a television set, a monitor, etc. In the 1950s and 1960s, computers were not only exceedingly expensive, but used a technology that could not allow integrating them into a video game system. Only mainframes could allow playing a few games. These games qualified as COMPUTER games, not VIDEO games. ...

... In 1966, Ralph Baer worked again on his 1951 TV game idea and designed a series of seven prototypes that played several video games. The first playable video game was a Chase Game: two squares chasing each other. The last prototype built in 1968 (also known as Brown Box) played Ball & Paddle games, Target Shooting games, and more. After several demonstrations to TV manufacturers, Magnavox signed an agreement in 1971 and the first video game system was released in May 1972: Odyssey. The history of PONG games and derivates just started, would spread all over the globe, and die in the early 1980s.

In the USA, it started on May 1972 with the Magnavox Odyssey (first home video game) and Atari in November 1972 (their first PONG arcade game). Atari's game was quickly copied and improved in 1973. Later in 1975, home video games became popular and were sold by numerous companies. Some like Executive Games started from a five-student MIT project. Others like First Dimension ran a poor business and did not survive the strong competition from Atari, Sears, Coleco, Magnavox and others.

I'm not that old, but I certainly don't have any childhood memories of people camping out in front of a store for three weeks to purchase a Pong game. I guess we were either smarter then or just had better things to do with our lives.

Mosaic Law

If you like pictures, you'll want to take a look at this site. Let's just say there's more than meets the eye.

Wreck the Malls with Bouts of Folly

Wreck the malls with bouts of folly
Fa la la la la la la la la!
There's no need for melancholy
Fa la la la la la la la la!



Don we now padded apparel
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Strolling into Yuletide peril
Fa la la la la la la la la!

"Black Friday"

Yesterday morning I had to help cover the early shift at work. That means I have to be at work at 4:35am, rolling out of bed at...well 4:35 minus exactly how many minutes it takes me to roll out of bed, pull on a pair of jeans, cover my bed-head hair with a baseball cap, and drive 8 miles of empty streets to the studio. As I rolled past the shopping center a few blocks away from my house, though, I saw that several hundred people had already risen ahead of me. And for what? To stand in a line that extended a block away from the front door of Best Buy! IMHO, that's just stupid. Don't get me wrong, I love electronics, and I spend my share of time and money at that same store. But, just why are we so desperate to save a couple bucks off some stuff in a land where we have retail goods bulging out of every orifice?

------------------------
Excerpts from a couple news articles:

TORRANCE, Calif. -- A Black Friday promotion at a Southern California mall turned into a stampede.About 2,000 shoppers rushed for 500 balloons filled with gift certificates at the Del Amo Fashion Center in Torrance. An elderly woman and nine other people were hurt in all the pushing and shoving.Police said some people forgot about safety in an effort to get a prize. The mall management said it was "completely overwhelmed" by the turnout for the promotion.
(The Associated Press)

Now in Aisle 8: Black Friday shopping stories -- Thousands of shoppers took advantage of Friday’s balmy weather to swarm Des Moines and suburban malls and big-box stores....“We were originally heading to Best Buy but our friends are already over there, and they told us don’t bother. It’s just packed so we headed over here,” said Adam Carney, one of about 70 shoppers waiting outside CompUSA at 4:50 a.m. “We typically don’t do this but we are in the spirit of greed and ready to go, and it’s warm out this morning,” said Carney, who was looking for a computer monitor....
...At the Merle Hay Mall Kohl’s...the line was half the length of the Des Moines store. Michelle Ortiz, who was holding her mother’s place while her mom shopped for a few more items, was so far back she couldn’t even see the cash registers. After previous stops at Toys “R “Us and Wal-Mart, the lines tiring Ortiz. “They’re really long, and they’re annoying,” she said. At least the crowd at Kohl’s was calm, she said. That hadn’t been the case at the Windsor Heights Wal-Mart. “They were practically killing each other to get some stuff, some Bratz dolls,” Ortiz said. “I think a little baby even got hit in the head with one of them. They were screaming and yelling and the cops came....”
(The Des Moines Register)

--------------------

Christmas has already been over-commercialized for years, but shopping the day after Thanksgiving has now become an emblem of mindless, herd-mentality consumerism. I find it beneath my dignity as a self-willed human being participate. I know I'm supposed to think of others as being better than myself, but I'm about to start making an exception for people who are willing to stand in line and push and shove their way into any retail establishment in an effort to get their hands on some discounted piece of plastic crap.

Merry Christmas!

Happy Thanksgiving!

WKRP Thanksgiving Turkey Drop

Unnatural Selection

Here are some animals that even Darwin never dreamed of...

"Eagluana"

"Spot"

"Patriotic Snake"

"Tiger Wabbit"

"Zebrino"

"Mouphant"

"Kangamoose"

(View other examples of unnatural selection here and here.)

"What are you drawing?"

"A liger."

"What's a liger?"

"It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed...bred for its skills in magic."

Only in America

From AFP:

US restaurant serves up burger to die for

A restaurant in the south-western US state of Arizona that proudly admits to trying to finish off its customers has introduced a new item on its menu - the "quadruple bypass burger".

The burger at the Heart Attack Grill restaurant is stacked with four beef patties, cheese, onions, tomatoes and fried bacon and weighs in at 8,000 calories - more than three times what the human body needs in one day.

Patrons who have no appetite for the quadruple bypass burger can opt for the triple or double bypass.

John Basso opened the restaurant 10 months ago.

"It's not good for one's health, but it's only a joke," he said.

Customers who have room for more can also order French fries "fried in pure lard" and can purchase cigarettes off the menu.

As a courtesy, the restaurant offers its "best customers" a wheelchair service to their cars by waitresses dressed in slinky nurses' outfits.

The idea, however, has not gone down well with the Arizona State Board of Nursing. The board has expressed concern that some patrons may confuse the waitresses with real nurses.

To avoid any confusion, Mr Basso has posted a long message on his restaurant website saying that his employees in no way are medical professionals.

He says his ultimate goal is to open a restaurant in France.

"I am dreaming of opening a restaurant in Paris," he said.

Uh, yes. I'll take one Quadruple Bypass Burger and a large order of Flatliner Fries. Does the value meal include the Lipitor shake and the angioplasty? Great! Can I get that to go?

My Favorite Star Trek Quote

"Khaaaaaaan!"

Amazing Headlines

These headlines found on my Google homepage this afternoon:

Democrats Need A Leader, Not A Follower - CBS News
Neanderthal DNA Shows No Interbreeding With Humans - Forbes
Al-Queda Threat 'Not Appreciated' - BBC News
Vatican: No Change on Celibacy Policy - CBS News
DR Congo Opposition Rejects Election Result - Euronews.net
Palestinians Escalate Attacks - Monsters and Critics.com
New Democratic Leaders Deliver Remarks - Washington Post

Wow! Life is a never-ending series of surprises!

Surf's Up!

The "stoner" stereotype attributed to surfers made perfect sense when I saw this:

But I don't want to be guilty of stereotyping anyone. Let's just say that I would certainly have to be high in order to attempt something like that.

Pining for the Fjords

This is a geological (or hydrological?) Rorschach test, based upon Norwegian fjords. Please record your initial impression of what each picture resembles. These photos courtesy of Google Earth:


1














2

3













4














5













6














7














8












No, I'm sorry. The correct answers were:
1) a stick
2) a stick
3) a stick
4) a stick
5) a stick
6) a stick
7) a stick
8) a stick

Um...don't mind my asking, but do you have a history of mental illness in your family?

Around the World in Crazy Ways

Chuck Norris vs. Chuck Norris

You are probably aware of the Chuck Norris fad sweeping the Net. If not, here are some of the interesting "facts" you might have missed:

• Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
  
• It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
  
• Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
• When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up; he's pushing the Earth down.
  
• When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
  
• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  
• Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
  
• When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
  
• Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
  
• There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
  
• Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
  
• Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
  
• Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy; it is a Chucktatorship.

And there are plenty more.

But what does Chuck Norris the Man think about Chuck Norris the Phenomenon? As a columnist for WorldNetDaily, he addressed the issue in a recent article:

I've got a bulletin for you, folks. I am no superman. I realize that now, but I didn't always. As six-time world karate champion and then a movie star, I put too much trust in who I was, what I could do and what I acquired. I forgot how much I needed others and especially God. Whether we are famous or not, we all need God. We also need other people.

If your whole life is spent trying to make money and you neglect the people important in your life, you will create an emptiness deep in your heart and soul. I know. I fell into that trap. I dedicated my whole life to fame and fortune. I had a huge hole in my heart and was miserable until I met my wife, Gena, who brought me back to the Lord. ...

... I'm flattered and amazed by the way I've become a fascinating public figure for a whole new generation of young people around the world. But I am not the characters I play. And even the toughest characters I have played could never measure up to the real power in this universe.

Despite all of the fascinating "facts" out there, I gotta side with Chuck Norris the Man.

Eine Kleine Belebt Musik

In Smog We Trust

I really don't even know where to begin with this, so let's jump right into it:

Smoggy skies 'created life on Earth'

Hazy, smoggy skies on baby Earth could have provided the chemical building blocks of the very first life on our planet, according to a study of one of Saturn's moons.

Primordial Earth likely had a layer of atmospheric haze, similar to the one currently on the moon Titan, that may have served as the principal reservoir of life's building blocks, according to the study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

One of Titan's most striking features is its thick hazy layer of organic aerosols, which arises from chemical reactions between the methane and nitrogen molecules high in the atmosphere, driven by ultraviolet light.

Prof Margaret Tolbert at the University of Colorado and colleagues mimicked Titan's chemistry by using UV lamps in various simulated atmospheres.

The researchers found that a methane-nitrogen mix would produce multiple types of long-chain hydrocarbons, including some aromatic compounds such as benzene.

The predicted products match well with some of the known components observed by the Huygens probe to Saturn. The researchers then added carbon dioxide gas to the mix to see if conditions that were probably present on early Earth would produce a similar haze.

"It turns out that organic haze can form over a wide range of methane and carbon dioxide concentrations," said Prof Tolbert. "This means that hazy conditions could have been present for many millions or even a billion years on Earth while life was evolving."

The researcher calculate that Earth could have produced more than100 million tons of aerosols each year, and thus these organic chemicals in the haze could have served as the primary ingredients for primitive life.

If you look at the complexity and uniqueness of life on Earth and conclude that there must be a Creator, then you're an uneducated moron. However, if you study gases on a moon that's completely devoid of life and conclude that magic smog appeared out of who-knows-where and gave birth to the complex, unique life we see today, then you're a scientific genius.

Do I really have to point out what's wrong with this picture?

Google Through the Looking Glass

!tsiwt a htiw elgooG

.sdrawkcab ni smret hcraes ruoy epyt ot evah uoy :hctac enO

!yrt a ti evig ot ereh kcilC

Wow. I Didn't See This Coming...

Britney Spears Files for Divorce
The singer confirms split after two years of marriage

Britney Spears has filed for divorce from her husband Kevin Federline. Court officials in Los Angeles confirmed the split, which was blamed on "irreconcilable differences". The divorce papers state that Spears is seeking custody of their two children - Sean Preston and Jayden James Federline - and she has asked that each party pay their own legal fees. She also requested that her earnings, "miscellaneous jewelry and other personal effects" after the separation be confirmed as separate from her husband's property, reports BBC News.

Federline, a former dancer for Michael Jackson and Justin Timberlake, has two other children with his former partner, TV actress Shar Jackson. Spears previous marriage to childhood friend Jason Alexander was annulled two days after vows were exhanged in Las Vegas in 2004.

© IPC MEDIA 1996-2006, All rights reserved

Oh, and kudos to those brilliant writers who came up with "Britney is K-Fed Up". I am K-Fed up with everybody getting divorces all the time!!!

Awwwww, Poor Baby!

We take you now to Republican headquarters for a reaction to last night's election results...



(Since I'm neither a Democrat nor a Republican, I can get away with posts like this. Besides, it's my blog!)

Thought You Could Use a Laugh

What's in My Inbox

* Acknowledgement: An e-mail I received recently from fellow harangue-utan, Chris Wilde, inspired this post.

Spam. You know what I mean. Not the world-famous canned "meat" that's made right here in Minnesota; I'm talking about the stuff that clogs your e-mail inbox. It's annoying, and I never open them, but I have to admit that some of the subject lines are hilarious.

You have got to hand it to these spammers for their persistence. Rather than just using trickery (Please confirm your signup, RE: Your Online Order), or trying to sneak past spam filters with slightly altered words (C ! A L ! S, VlhAGRA), they are getting more creative.

Here's a sampling of some interesting subject lines that have appeared in my inbox recently:

• specific theyre converted iPod
  
• did you hear our boss got fired?
  
• FWD: No work tomorrow; Office closed
  
• Your future, ocean-severed
  
• Your health, ox daisy
  
• Rev up the fun at the Southern California Fair
  
• compose GymnasticsMongolian wrestling Modern dance
  
• Get Your Complimentary Chewing Gum Samples
  
• citrus Inline speed skating Golfcross
  
• Shinty Sports using bicycles or unicycles
  
• Cycling Road hockey Discus
  
• axial Aggressive skating Elephant polo
  
• crematory Thoroughbred racing
  
• contravene Wheelchair rugby

And, of course, my all-time favorite:

• (no subject)

So, what's in your inbox? Please share with the rest of us some of the interesting subject lines you've run across.

Some Good Bad Movies and Some Bad Good Ones

There are movies that most definitely deserve to be listed among the all-time worst. Movies like Battlefield Earth (starring John Travolta as himself), The Conqueror (John Wayne as Genghis Khan? Are you serious?!), Zardoz (A revolver-toting Sean Connery wearing a Speedo and hip waders? Someone claw my eyes out NOW!!!), or that steaming pile of you-know-what, Highlander 2 (perhaps the dumbest sequel ever conceived).

Now, I realize that when it comes to movies, "good" and "bad" are entirely subjective terms. Everyone's tastes are different. For example, some movies I really like - Chariots of Fire, Fiddler on the Roof, The Sound of Music, and Joe Versus the Volcano, to name a few - have been put forth by others as examples of terrible films. Conversely, there are plenty of popular favorites that I can't stand.

With that in mind, I would like to share with you a couple of lists. One is a list of "bad" movies - films that either flopped at the box office or were violently panned by critics - that really weren't as bad as everyone thought. The other is a list of "good" movies - films that were either box office hits or were enthusiastically praised by critics - that I just hated. (Note: I haven't included movies like Plan 9 from Outer Space. That's a classic example of a movie that's so bad it's good, I don't care who you are.)

Five "bad" movies that are actually pretty good

5. Aeon Flux
I know. This movie doesn't exactly showcase Charlize Theron's ability as an actress, but I've always been a sucker for sci-fi flicks about futuristic totalitarian societies masquerading as utopian paradises. And while it certainly doesn't rank up there with Terry Gilliam's masterpiece, Brazil, it does have its moments. Definitely not quite as bad as the critics made it out to be.

4. Ishtar
Many people will tell you that this is one of the worst films ever made. But that's only if you view the result after taking into consideration the all-star cast and huge Hollywood budget. As Amazon.com reviewer Rochelle O'Gorman put it, "If Abbott and Costello had made this flick, it might have worked."

3. Armageddon
Dazzling special effects made this film watchable, but a talented, eclectic cast made it enjoyable. If you have no problem suspending disbelief for a couple of hours, you might like this one.

2. Independence Day
This is one of those gratuitously patriotic, flag-waving films. In a time when most Americans seem all too willing to give up their freedoms to a corrupt government bureaucracy, Independence Day made me feel good to know that we can count on everyone to pull together if we're ever invaded by reptilian hordes from outer space.

1. Rocky V
Okay, okay. Rocky Balboa is getting old. But hey...it's Rocky Balboa, one of the most beloved cinematic sports heroes of all-time! And I'm not ashamed to say that I'll be going to see Rocky VI when it comes out.

Five "good" movies that I absolutely hated

5. Unforgiven
While I can appreciate Clint Eastwood's accidental study on the subject of total depravity, I like old-fashioned westerns - you know, good guys vs. bad guys. When you couldn't care less about what happens to the main characters in a movie, there's something wrong.

4. Titanic
Sorry, ladies. I realize this is your favorite movie of all-time, but I thought it was poorly written, sappy, and self-indulgent. In a word: garbage. I sat through it once; that was more than enough.

3. Pulp Fiction
Despite having a stylish flare, Quentin Tarantino is, in my opinion, one of the most overrated directors in Hollywood history. This movie was especially bad. Even if you overlook the fact that virtually every scene contains elements that were lifted directly from other films, it's still hard to get past the gratuitous violence. If there was a point to it, other than making sure the film lived up to its title, I missed it.

2. The English Patient
Seinfeld's Elaine said it best: "It's too looooong! Quit telling your stupid story about the stupid desert and just die already! DIE!!"

1. The Crying Game
I have a confession to make: I have not seen this movie in its entirety. Dawn and I walked out halfway through it. Not only was this one of the most unbearable films I've ever seen, it is THE reason I now never go to a movie without first knowing something about it. And the big "surprise" everyone was talking about? Give me a break. Any blind idiot could tell that chick was a dude.

Do you have similar lists? Are there movies some of your friends like that have made you question whether or not you should remain associated with such undiscerning freaks? Perhaps there are movies that you are too embarrassed to admit having seen. Feel free to share your thoughts. Let me assure you that what happens on this blog stays on this blog. Honest!

Come On Down!

Bob Barker Retiring After 50 Year Career On TV
October 31, 2006 9:39 p.m. EST
Russell McSpadden - All Headline News News Writer

Los Angeles, CA (AHN) - The celebrated game show host, Bob Barker, told the AP on Tuesday that he plans to retire from TV in June. Adoring fans will have a limited time to "come on down" and take a spin on the big wheel.

Barker has spent 35 years as the host of the daytime game show, "The Price is Right," where contestants, chosen from a screaming audience, compete for a variety of consumer goods. In total, the aging host has worked 50 years in the television industry.

"I will be 83 years old on December 12," he said, "and I've decided to retire while I'm still young."

"I've gone on and on and on to this ancient age because I've enjoyed it," he said. "I've thoroughly enjoyed it and I'm going to miss it."

"I'm just reaching the age where the constant effort to be there and do the show physically is a lot for me," he said. "I might be able to do the show another year, but better (to leave) a year too soon than a year too late."

According to Barker, Freemantle Media, which owns the game show, has been looking for a replacement for some time. Barker admits that he has been considering retirement for "at least ten years."

When asked how he plans to say farewell, Barker said he will keep with his traditional sign-off that he has ended the show with for so many years.

"Help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered."

It Sucks to Be a Vampire

I hate to be the one to say this to any vampire readers of this blog, but you don't exist. LiveScience.com reports that you are a mathematical impossibility:

University of Central Florida physics professor Costas Efthimiou's work debunks pseudoscientific ideas, such as vampires and zombies, in an attempt to enhance public literacy. Not only does the public believe in such topics, but the percentages are at dangerously high level, Efthimiou told LiveScience.

Legend has it that vampires feed on human blood and once bitten a person turns into a vampire and starts feasting on the blood of others.

Efthimiou's debunking logic: On Jan 1, 1600, the human population was 536,870,911. If the first vampire came into existence that day and bit one person a month, there would have been two vampires by Feb. 1, 1600. A month later there would have been four, and so on. In just two-and-a-half years the original human population would all have become vampires with nobody left to feed on.

And here I always thought that math wouldn't have any practical application in life.

Of course, this could all be part of a conspiracy to get us to let our guard down. After all, one of the most popular mathematicians in the world is himself a vampire...